We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

Dear Maret,
It will be a long and the most honest letter I’ve ever written.

It’s August already and I haven’t had a chance to say happy birthday to you. So, happy birthday? 23, huh? Wish you have a shining year ahead. Be good. Be happy. Like you always do.

So, how’s life? I never know anything that’s going on in your life. I never know anything about you actually. Haha. Iya, aku tahu. Berani-beraninya aku menyebut diriku your number one fan when I don’t know a single thing about you. Aku bahkan tidak berniat mencari tahu. Yang aku lakukan hanya menulis surat untukmu ketika ada sesuatu yang mengganggu pikiranku.

Iya, iya, aku tahu. Kalau aku benar-benar melakukan hal ini kepadamu di dunia nyata, kamu pasti akan marah, merasa dirimu hanya sebagai ‘tempat sampah’. Namun, dalam pikiranku, aku bahkan tidak bisa membayangkan kamu marah. Kamu, yang selalu seperti bocah. Caramu melompat-lompat saat kamu berjalan menuju kelas. Caramu memainkan raket tenis saat cosplay. Caramu tertawa. Caramu menunduk malu-malu setiap bertemu orang baru.

Berapa lama waktu berlalu sejak saat itu? Lima, enam tahun? Have you changed? Have you become a cynical and realistic person like I do? Or are you still that happy and kind boy that almost every girl in school admire you, quietly?

Kamu tahu aku sudah banyak berubah. Every year, every month, every single time, I get more cynical about life. I build my wall higher and higher, and I keep wondering ‘till when I keep building my wall so I feel secure. Kadang aku bertanya-tanya, kemana perginya gadis itu? Gadis yang begitu naif. Gadis yang masih percaya akan adanya akhir bahagia. Gadis yang jatuh cinta begitu bebas, like no one can hurt her.

But as times passed, she learnt, that eventually, everyone’s gonna hurt her. Especially the ones she loved. She learnt that you either hurt by people you love or you hurt people who loves you. Entah disengaja atau tidak. She figure out that’s how life works. That’s why they said, “The sad thing about betrayal, it never comes from your enemy.” It always people you love who have the power to hurt you. Kamu terluka karena kamu peduli.

Maret,
Kadang aku bertanya-tanya apa aku berhak untuk berbahagia.

Temanku tertawa merana dan memberitahuku, “Tentu saja semua orang berhak untuk bahagia.” Be with someone who can make you happy, they said. Not with the one who treat you like a crap and make you beg for his attention. But they don’t know I’m always unhappy inside. Setiap kali aku punya kesempatan untuk berbahagia, aku selalu menunggu-nunggu apa yang akan diambil dariku kali ini. Like I must trade something to be happy. Dan apa yang lebih menyedihkan dari orang yang tidak bisa benar-benar berbahagia?

I miss how we used to be. When we were young and free and falling in love like we’ve never been hurt before. Now it was something I can’t afford.

Oh, hear this. I just read something that someone posted on my timeline.
“Everything you go through grows you.”
Now, I question the validity of this quotes. If it was true, why I always feel like a crap even though I go through a lot of hardship and broken hearts? What’s the measurement of growing up? When you can accept your reality while sobbing to sleep? Or when you turn your heart as cold as ice, give zero fuck of what happen in this world?

It sounds fun. The ‘give zero fuck’ thing.

Sorry I’m rambling about these things. There is a lot of thing going on inside my mind. Like a hurricane. And the pain is constant. And crying alone in your room only make you feel more miserable and pathetic.

But the funny thing, I find comfort in being miserable.

How sad is that?





But tonight, I was awake, thinking. It’s not right to ask someone to care for you. It’s not right to ask someone to love you. Because it’s an involuntary reflex; you can’t force it yet you can’t help it. If you feel tired and thinking you deserve better, then leave. If you follow an ‘I don’t care if he/she loves me or not as long as I love him/her’ theory, if think you can bear with it, then stay. After all, it was your choice.

And after all, we accept the love we think we deserve.